PART I

Joe Bob

The Lonely Newt

Story One

The Frog Once there was a newt. His name was Joe Bob. He was so ugly that everybody ran away from him.

One day, Joe Bob was walking along his favorite mud puddle when a frog popped its head up.

"Hello there," The frog said.

"Aren't you going to run away screaming, "My eyes!"?" Asked Joe Bob.

"Of course not," said the frog. "I'm blind."

"Really?"

"Of course! You're complete ugliness blinded me." The frog hopped off and Joe Bob went on walking.

Story Two

The Milkman

One day, Joe Bob was walking through the city. Actually he was walking through the alleyways, so people wouldn't see him. People had never really seen Joe Bob, but he was afraid they would run away, like everybody else.

After pacing back and forth, wallowing in his own ugliness for a few hours, a milk truck pulled into the alleyway and a milkman stepped out. He saw Joe Bob and immediately got back in his truck and drove away.

Story Three

The Other Milkman

One day, Joe Bob was sleeping in a bush near a suburban house. He had given up on the city after the milkman incident.

Sometime in the afternoon, a man in a milkman outfit came out of the house and saw Joe Bob. Joe Bob was ready for the man to run away. Strangely, the man stepped forward and took Joe Bob out of the bush. He brought him inside and showed him to what must have been the man's family.

"Look at this neat newt!" he shouted.

"It's so cute, Daddy!" said a girl.

"Cool!" said a boy. "Can we keep him?"

"Yeah," said the mother. "Let's keep him."

Joe Bob felt a warm feeling inside of him. He had a home and a family.

Story Four

The Song

Joe Bob was allowed to go to work with his new owner, Jon Salamander. Every day, Joe Bob would accompany Jon on his rounds.

One day, they stopped at a house with music coming out of an open window. It went like this, "Nani, nani, nani, nani, na...mix, mix, mix!"

Joe Bob liked this song. He started humming it.

"Hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm...hm hm hm."

When Jon returned, he heard Joe Bob humming. He decided to hum too. So, they went on their way, humming, "Hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm hm...hm hm hm."

They came to the next house left the bottles. He rang the doorbell to let them know the milk was here. When a woman came to answer the door and get her milk, she heard Jon humming. She liked the tune and hummed along. Soon, all of the houses Jon went to would hum this song every time he left their milk. And it was all because of Joe Bob.

Story Five

The Fish

One day, Jon brought in a giant aquarium, all for Joe Bob. He loved his new aquarium. And it was in the perfect spot too. It was in the family room, where all the action happened.

A week after Joe Bob got his new aquarium, it was Jon Salamander's son's (Theodore Salamander) birthday. The family went to the amusement park. Even Joe Bob went in the portable aquarium that Jon bought.

When they all were done, they came home and Theodore showed Joe Bob a fish that he won. He asked if he could put it in his aquarium. Joe Bob nodded, and Theo put the fish in Joe Bob's aquarium.

"Hello," said Joe Bob. "Welcome to my aquarium."

"Hi," said the fish. "I'm Fred. Hi, I'm Fred. Hi, I'm Fred."

"Must be broken," Joe Bob said to himself. He grabbed the fish by the tail and threw it out of the aquarium and through the open window nearby.

Story Six

Kidnaped!

The day after Joe Bob threw Fred out the window, Theo found out.

"How could you?" he cried. Theo picked up Joe Bob and set him outside. "You'll spend the night out here and think about what you've done."

That night, Joe Bob got very thirsty and cold, so he went into Jon's milk truck and started to drink milk. When he was on his third bottle, he fell in.

The next day, Jon got into his truck and saw that one of the caps was off. He put it back on and then started his rounds. About halfway through his rounds he came to a very scary house on a hill on the outskirts of town in a dark forest placed conveniently on an ant hill so the little monsters couldn't frolic and steal itty bitty bits of food from under the table and from your beautiful picnic cloth while you were having lunch.

Jon got out and placed the bottles at the doorstep. One of those bottles held Joe Bob!

Luckily the lid hadn't been on tight so Joe Bob could breathe. When the owner, a very hideous man resembling a hag mixed with a troll, came he picked up the bottle with Joe Bob, opened it, took a big drink, and immediately spat it out when he felt something slimy and slithering. Something named Joe Bob.

"Hey," said the hag-troll. "Someone put a frog in my milk. I'm calling the authorities."

The man walked inside, still holding the bottle with Joe Bob in it.

The inside of the house look even more disgusting the man that lived in it. There were dirty clothes and empty beer bottles everywhere. The couch was torn in several places and mice were napping inside. I suppose this is how a hag-troll would live, thought Joe Bob.

The man set down the bottle in his filthy kitchen. He scrambled around, trying to find the phone under the dirty undergarments and dirty plates and silverware that were covering every seeable inch of the kitchen.

"Here it is," said the hag-troll, holding up a phone with what appeared to be steak sauce on it. He quickly dialed 911.

Joe Bob could just make out the conversation.

"Hello, Emergency Medical System."

"Hi, I'm calling to report that someone put a frog in my milk."

"Sorry, we don't deal with frogs. What is your name."

"Jeff Trollhag."

"Okay. I'll hook you up with a veterinarian." Joe Bob could tell she was laughing.

"No, I don't care about the stupid frog. I'm reporting that someone tried to kill me by making me swallow a frog."

"I'm sure the frog just fell in when he was getting a drink of milk." "I'm going to talk to my milkman tomorrow."

It was a long, cold, wet, milky night for Joe Bob.

Story Seven

Un-kidnapped

Joe Bob was jolted awake when Jeff accidentally smacked the bottle off the edge of the table while trying to grab it. Luckily, there was a large pile of pants and socks at the bottom to break his fall.

Jeff lunged out his hand like it was a snake striking. He grabbed the bottle and walked towards the door.

"Here's the little menace," said Jeff, shoving the bottle in Jon's face. Jon took the bottle, opened it up, and pulled out Joe Bob.

"There you are Joe Bob!" he said, grinning. "We had no idea where you were." He was very pleased. "Thank you for finding him." He added, looking up at Jeff.

Jon set Joe Bob in the car, got in himself, and they drove back home.

Wait a minute! Whoa! Whoa! Hold up! So, he wasn't really kidnaped. He just fell into a bottle and ended up in the hands of a filthy hag-troll. So why was story six called Kidnaped? He wasn't kidnaped. This makes no sense.

Part II

Fred's Revenge

Story One

The Return of Fred

Joe Bob sat quietly in his aquarium, playing a very unusual game of some sort. In this game, he would pretend to be an amphibian and then see if he could guess what it was. There was really no point, as he already knew what he was trying to be.

He was in the middle of pretending to be an American Bullfrog, when his owner's son, Theodore, stepped in.

"Come on Joe Bob! We're going to go see 'The Biography of a Newt'!" Theodore exclaimed with glee. Trying to talk human, Joe Bob said: "Okay, just let me finish playing Salamander Amphibian", and quit his game.

Joe Bob's owner, Jon Salamander, took a 'Ziploc' bag from the pantry and filled it up with water. He reached into the aquarium, grasped Joe Bob around the middle, and plopped him into the bag. He handed the Joe Bob-inhabited bag to Theodore, who zipped up the bag and carried him out to the car.

Joe Bob swam merrily inside his 'Ziploc' bag. He looked out the car window and saw the grave of his would-be enemy, Fred. He didn't care and just kept on swimming.

But he should of cared, because it turned out that Fred was not

in that grave. Something happened on the day that Joe Bob threw Fred out the window that only Fred knew.

As Fred flew out the window, there was a truck passing by that was carrying a large, un-opened aquarium with a goldfish in it. Fred fell into the aquarium and got conked on his noggin. This got rid of his two second memory loss. He now remembered everything, including Joe Bob.

Fred took some of his anger out on the other goldfish by throwing him out of the tank. The goldfish landed on the ground and flopped around until he..well..you know..kicked the can. Actually, how can a goldfish kick something? They don't have feet. Or legs, as a matter of fact. Maybe he..slapped the can with his tail.

Now began Fred's revenge.

Story Two

The Biography of a Newt Gone Wrong

"Yeah, I'll have a large tub of barbecue flies and a jumbo pond water drink, extra algae," said Joe Bob, swimming merrily in his bag. Jon Salamander got a front row seat in theater 12. Joe Bob loved to sit in front row seats.

"I heard that one salamander gets decapitated by an alligator in the battle!" said Joe Bob, eager to see mindless violence. He shook in excitement for the movie. It looked as though he had ants in his pants. Oh wait, newts don't have pants. Well, it looked as though he had ants on his skin, the little buggers. The curtain opened and the movie commenced. Joe Bob almost froze with excitement. He didn't even eat his flies. Well, that might have been due to the fact that he was in a bag.

At the end of the movie, one of those annoying voices that say things like 'your time for dialing has ended, please hang up and try again', blasted out over the speakers: "If you'd like to learn more about newts and other amphibians, visit the Amphibious Aquarium, located at the corner of Joe St. and Bob Ave.

Story Three

The Amphibious Aquarium

It was 1:00 AM in the morning and the audience was just getting up out of their seats, stretching and cracking their backs. There were loud cracks and frequent calls of 'get the chiropractor', for the movie was five hours long.

"Okay, Joe Bob. Time to go! Joe Bob? Joe Bob??

JOOOOEEEBOOOOBB?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!" shrieked Theodore. Joe Bob was missing. And a trail of water was left. As well as a vacant case of ruffles and a twelve pack of Diet Coke.

Theodore jumped out of his seat and ran with all his might (after a quick Diet Coke, of course).

Joe Bob had immediately gone to the Amphibious Aquarium, as the movie was five hours of -sorry, but some of Joe Bob's thoughts are inappropriate for small children-.
He jumped onto the back of a trolley rode along, admiring the shining moon and the stars and wondering if he could persuade Jon to buy some more of those delicious Ruffles.

The trolley stopped in front of the aquarium and Joe Bob hopped off. Unfortunately, he was a newt and could not jump that far. Fortunately, he landed in the purse of a woman wrapped in salamander skin. Her gross disrespect for amphibians frightened Joe Bob and he climbed up to her face, slapped her silly, and landed on the cool, hard...wet cement'

Oh -we apologize again for the inconvenience, but this kind of language is not allowed to reach children's ears-, thought Joe Bob.

Joe Bob had a hard time getting out of the cement, and when he finally did, his feet were covered in dried cement, making it hard for him to walk. He lumbered over to a corner and slept. It was a cold, hard night. Luckily, it wasn't that wet. He used a slightly soggy dust bunny as a blanket and he also used some dead flies as a pillow. Sadly, he ate them so he had to rest his head against some hard cement. The crusted cement crumbled off Joe Bobs feet. Joe Bob wasn't the only one who had a hard night; Theodore was very miserable and could barely sleep; and then there was Fred, who had to spend the night in a small tank at a place called The Amphibious Aquarium. But he knew that his revenge would come soon...very soon. As soon as The Really, Ultra, Super Late Show was over. Well, maybe a bit later than that. But it would be soon....

Story Four

Through the Vents

The sun rose and Joe Bob ran as fast as he could through the double doors and into the aquarium. He marveled at the newts and frogs and lizards.

Hey, thought Joe Bob. Lizards are reptiles. Oh well.

Little did Joe Bob know that Fred was watching and waiting. Watching The Today Show and waiting for his breakfast, to be exact. But then he noticed Joe Bob crawling along the wall....and decided to go back to TV.

As Joe Bob jumped to a tank with a two-headed frog in it, the same woman wrapped in salamander skin saw him and whipped him with her purse, making him fly up and into the ventilation system.

This place was new to Joe Bob, as he did not go to school and had no clue about air ventilators and their functions.

"Whoa! Waaa! Hey! Ow!" poor Joe Bob screamed as he was blown down the hard, steel, tunnel. Bouncing from wall to wall, Joe Bob frantically tried to grab something to hang onto. In mid-air, Joe Bob had a very large acid reflex.

Finally, he spotted a small opening in the ventilation shaft. He grabbed onto it and held on tightly. The he heaved his body out of the vents. In exhaustion, Joe Bob collapsed onto a small desk. And puked up acid.

Story Five

FRED GETS HIS REVENGE

When he awoke, Joe Bob was in a large tank that had a clear view of the staff room TV.
"Hello, Joe Bob," said a cruel voice from behind him. Joe Bob slowly turned around and saw his arch nemesis, Fred.

"But how?" inquired Joe Bob. "I threw you out of the window. And how come you aren't broken like before."

"Foolish amphibian," laughed Fred. "I was once tethered by the silly short-term memory loss of goldfish. But when you threw me into a moving tank outside, I bumped my head and it is gone.

"And now, I will get my revenge."

"No ... please," pleaded Joe Bob.

Fred reached behind his back and pulled out ... a bag of Ruffles.

"Hahahaha," Fred laughed maniacally, crumbs spilling out of his mouth. "I've got my revenge!"

"What are you talking about?" inquired Joe Bob, raising his eyebrow. (Well, he doesn't really have eyebrows.)

"Didn't you take my Ruffles last week?" Fred was confused.

"Nooo," answered Joe Bob "I threw you out of the tank."

Fred shoved another Ruffle in his mouth and said, "Oh, di oo? Weh den, I ge ahm gon a hafta trow oo enhoo eh tahn."

"WHAT?" asked an exasperated Joe Bob. Fred swallowed (more like choked down) his Ruffle and repeated, "Oh, did you? Well then, I guess I'm gonna have to throw you into the tank."

Before Joe Bob could even wonder what that meant, Fred pulled a lever next to him and a hole opened in the side of the tank. It started to suck Joe Bob in, and he grabbed for Fred. He slipped through Joe Bob's left hand, but his right hand wrapped around the Ruffles bag, which (of course) Fred held on to.

Story Six

The Shark, the Submersible, and the Superbowl

They were emptied into a much larger tank. Then they heard it; a deep, slow, hungry breathing. They slowly turned around and found themselves face-to-face with a shark.

The shark growled and said, "Gimme some of your chips." "No!" protested Fred. The shark smacked him very hard and he apparently lost his short term memory again.

"Okay pal, you get it now. Where are you?!?" yelled the shark, pointing to Joe Bob, who apparently slithered away.

"I want some chips! THE SUPER BOWL IS GONNA START!!!" screamed the shark angrily.

Poor Joe Bob cowered behind a piece of fake coral. Joe Bob stuffed some chips in his mouth, that he snuck away.

"Me smell Ruffles!!" yelled the shark, in a very mental sort of way. It's eye was twitching repeatedly, and a vein throbbed in his forehead.

"Clearly, he's gone berserk" said Joe Bob, giggling under his breath.

"Now the kickoff is about to start!" shrieked the mentally-challenged-shark-that-needs-anger-management. Joe Bob quickly ran from his hiding place.

"Me see you!" screamed the shark. Fred woke up, just to get pummeled again and get his memory back.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Joe Bob as he slithered desperately for his life, and to taste one last Ruffle. Joe Bob smashed into a wall. He was cornered.

"Can I have some chips? Please?" asked the shark in a very gentle sort of way.

"Sure. Pig out you big, fat hog," answered Joe Bob.

"Awwww. Dat hwurt my feewings," cried the shark. It swam off into the corner of the tank, watching the Super Bowl in depression (for the Frankfurt Salamanders were losing. That was apparently the shark's favorite football team).

"I'm alive" cried Joe Bob.

"Not yet" smirked Fred from behind. Joe Bob swerved around. His eyes widened in shock.

Fred cackled from behind the window in his heavily armed submarine.

"Oh yeah. We'll see about that" scoffed Joe Bob. He grabbed Fred's leftover Ruffles (that the shark didn't eat), and some ranch dip. Joe Bob pigged out on the chips.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Fred. He slammed on the gas and ran over poor Joe Bob.

Joe Bob's skin was slimy so he luckily survived and swam away behind some fake coral.

"This is the end of you!" cackled Fred. Joe Bob saw a small garage. It had one last submarine in it. He swam towards it, he opened the door, stepped in, and started the engine. On the dashboard was a Geico ad:

Geico. Save Money On Deaths From Certain Submarines That Are Driven By Insane Goldfish "I should've taken that offer!" moaned Joe Bob. He put the submarine in drive, stepped on the gas, and accelerated forward. As he neared Fred, he pressed the missile button and aimed at Fred's submarine.

"Aw, maan," whined Fred. His submarine was gone in a mist of orange flames; but Fred himself was unharmed. A box that had flown up when the missile hit, floated down and knocked Fred on his noggin, which made him lose his short memory, yet again.

"Daaaaaaaaaang!" shouted the bewildered Joe Bob. As he swam around stupidly, the shark accidently crushed him with his fin as he was having a The-Frankfurt-Salamanders-lost-the-super-bowl tantrum.

"Hahaha," Fred, who had apparently got his short term memory back for about the hundredth time, cried triumphantly. While he was laughing, Joe Bob found a stick of dynamite in the sub. He set it next to the engine, lit the fuse, and hopped out of the sub. Making sure Fred didn't see, he snuck behind the submarine and shoved it in Fred's direction.

"What?!?!" screamed Fred as the submarine was blown into smithereens right in his face. The fuel tank exploded, setting the crazed goldfish on fire.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" thundered Fred as he was getting covered in 3rd degree burns. Fred was taken to a hospital and never bothered Joe Bob again.

At the hospital:

There were several randomly chosen people looking down at Fred.

"He must have robotic fins!" cried a doctor as he severed a damaged fin.

"So should he look like Darth Vader?" asked a Star Wars fan, who was an expert at making cyborgs. A Frankfurt Salamanders player shrugged and sneered impatiently. Thus, Fred became Darth Fred.

As for Joe Bob, he was rescued and brought back home, where he finished his barbecue flies and pond water. And he finished his very pointless game.

The End