I am eighteen, but I fell in love with you two years ago. I decided to write this now because I have always hoped that I would not forget what it feels like to be a teenager. My life is not tainted by work and responsibilities at the moment. There is only you, and I want you to know how I feel.

Before I met you I lived in a shell. I didn't have a lot going for me and I was ok with that. Or I at least believed I was. My purpose was to get up, keep my parents happy, balance their relationship, and keep my mouth shut. I didn't even know I had a mouth until I met you. Perhaps it was the weed you gave me or perhaps it was because I was nervous, but my mouth took over one day and I screamed for help.

It was the beginning of fall when you took me to the river. You had a small wooden pipe and smirk when I arrived. You had mentioned that I try smoking weed. I was quiet around you and I think you wanted to get me to open up. Or maybe you just liked the idea of tainting my innocent record. My stomach dropped, but despite my fear I followed you. I followed a strange boy with illegal substances into the woods. Not my smartest idea. Luckily you turned out to be one of the good ones.

I was a shy kid, but I wanted to impress you so I mustered any amount of cool I might have. We walked a ways before you stopped at a log along the river bank. I watched as you packed the pipe and took a few hits yourself. Then you motioned me closer and held the pipe to my lips. You were kind and patient as you waited for me to inhale. Exhale. Cough.

It didn't hit until we were walking home. I remember being disappointed until you pointed out that I was smacking my lips like they were dry. You called it cotton mouth and I had never been so embarrassed. The embarrassment only worsened as we walked back through the woods and it took all my power to stay up right. By the time we had made it back to your house, I was laughing so hard that you made me hide in the garage. My head was so light that I didn't even mind you hiding me.

When you returned you had brought cookies. Perhaps it was the weed, but they were the best cookies I had ever had. I hope I told you so. I remember you laughing when I tasted them so I must have. After that, we proceeded to walk deeper into the neighborhood and that was when I finally began opening up. I told you most of my life story, which wasn't much, in the span of an hour. I remember as you took me back to my house I apologized. I had told you a list of unhappy stories about my family, mostly my mom, and I didnt want you to think she was the monster I had painted her to be, but maybe she was. I believe that in that moment I had finally realized the way she treated me was not normal and now finally someone knew the truth. Unfortunately, I didn't realize what I had just learned about myself because I was so infatuated with you. You had walked me all the way home and it was perhaps the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. Not only were you a gentleman, but you had heard my secret cry for help.

...

It was raining when you kissed me. I remember the exact date, September fourth, and you were once again walking me home. It's unfortunate because you were currently dating someone else and I believed that I wasn't impressive enough to make you change your mind. But that didn't stop me from trying. I could tell that you knew how badly I wanted you to kiss me and I know you knew I was terrified of you. You were everything I had always wanted, but knew I would never have. Until September fourth.

I was your friend, at least I hoped I was, and you were the first person who I truly opened up to. So when you were walking me home once again, I wasn't afraid to spread my arms and tilt my head back into the rain. I love rain. I love wind as well. They're typically considered unfortunate weather events, but I loved them and I was hoping that's what you would see when you saw me embrace the droplets. I couldn't read your mind, but you did follow suit and spread out your own arms and at least that meant something. It must have, because when we stopped at the end of my driveway you didn't leave right away.

Of course I was in no hurry to leave either. I tried striking up awkward conversation hoping that you would know what I was waiting for. You had hinted at kissing me before, but again you had that pesky girlfriend, so I don't know why I was so compelled for you to kiss me right then. I suppose I was afraid that if I walked away I would never have the nerve to be in this situation again. Luckily you weren't stupid. I don't remember exactly what you said, but this was how it sounded to me.

"I'm not going to kiss you."

My heart skipped a beat at that. Even though it was obvious you knew what I wanted, I still couldn't hide the red from my cheeks. I don't think I responded. My mouth was too dry.

You continued on stating all the reasons you wouldn't kiss me and I was ready to accept that. So ready, in fact, that I turned and began to walk away.

"Malia wait..."

I did not expect what came next as I looked over my shoulder. "Come here."

I did. At this point the rain had transformed into a mist and my glasses had fogged up.

My hair stuck to my face and my heart was pounding so loud I could hardly hear what you were saying.

I stopped two feet from you. "Come closer." I took one step. "Closer."

I had never been so close to a handsome boy before. Your jaw clenched, in restraint or confliction I don't know. You looked down at my lips and my stomach dropped. I couldn't move, let alone breath, as you slowly tilted your head towards mine. It was perhaps the softest touch I had ever felt. Your lips were warm and wet from the rain. I don't know if you were even breathing because the touch was so light there was no way you could have been. I was stunned. So stunned I didn't even move my lips in answer. I simply sat there and allowed your lips to rest on mine. And then as soon as it started, it was over.

You smiled and pulled away. Still I did not move. Even as you began walking away I didnt move.

"Goodnight." You waved.

I blinked hard. "Gnhmph." You laughed at my mumbled noise and then I turned, flustered, and walked inside.

...

It was on top of a mountain when I first thought I might love you. I have no idea how it happened, but I know it did because I had the most gut wrenching feeling. You had decided to teach me how to downhill ski and though I am notoriously clumsy, I really liked the sport.

Unfortunately, it took me a while to get the hang of it so this particular day I was only watching. You still had your white pickup truck, which is what we sat in at the top of the mountain.

Your little brother was in the back of the truck getting ready when a song came on. I had heard it before. You had been the one to show it to me. But this time it was different. This time I was your girlfriend. This time you had one arm resting against the chair as you turned to face me.

This time you gave me your notorious smirk as you turned up the song. And what was most different, was that this time you sang.

It wasn't the usual melodic singing. This song was a slight rap song. So you spoke more than anything. Perhaps it was the look or the tone of your voice. Perhaps it was because singing and music is my life and I finally saw you do something I love, but I felt it then. A horrible sickening, gut wrenching feeling. I had to look away and as soon as it had come, it left. The rest of the day I felt a twinge of that feeling. Something was whispering to me saying that it was ok. You were kind, trustworthy, loyal, and everything love should be. And for some reason my mind chose to recognize it that day.

...

It was the middle of winter when we said "I love you." Technically we said it the next day, but it was within the next twenty four hours so I like to count it. Plus this story is too good to skip. We had been dating for awhile now and by this point you had learned that my mom wasn't the nicest person. This particular evening we had one of the worst fights.

It was the year of covid and she had made my sister and I start homeschool. At first she was into it. She would try to teach my sister and grade papers, but after a week or so she forgot about it. I didn't want us to fall behind so I stepped up. I graded all of my sister's essays and helped tutor her in math. I even taught both of us science and graded all of our tests and homework. By the end of first semester we both had B's in science. Unfortunately my mom didn't realize that in order for me to grade our work, I had to hold onto the answer key. Once she realized, there was no reasoning with her. She accused us of cheating and no matter how much I tried to explain it to her I was only a cheater, liar, and failure to her.

I should have let it go, but I didn't. I continued to fight with her till tears stung my eyes. That's when her face turned hard and she said, "If you weren't wearing glasses right now I would slap you."

So I did what any kid would do. I took off my glasses. I don't know why she didn't hit me. Part of me wishes she would have because then she would have to live with that every day. Instead she just took my phone and walked away.

You got worried when I wasn't answering. The day before I had mentioned that my mom had cameras around the house and I had also mentioned where the cameras couldn't see.

Somehow you took this as an invitation to sneak over. I had shut off all the lights and was curled in bed still crying when you knocked on my window. At first I didn't move because I didn't really believe what I was hearing, but you knocked again. I moved slowly, afraid someone might hear, but you were so patient. Your face was kind as you stared at me. I could tell you knew I was upset so I just sat in silence for a while. I didn't feel the need to talk, I just needed your presence.

The weather was awful. It had to have only been twenty degrees or less, but you sat out there totally happy. Finally you asked what happened and all I could bring myself to say was that she threatened to hit me. My heart was broken. My own mother had finally pushed me past the breaking point and lost all my trust. I was exhausted and angry, but I still told you the story and when I was finished there was just blatant understanding on your face.

If I hadn't been so terrified I would have had you crawl in bed with me and hold me all night. But I knew I couldn't. Just you sneaking over was enough to cheer me up. I don't remember how long you stayed. At least twenty minutes, but we were both shivering by the end of it. I told you to go home and you listened, but before you left you stared at me through the screen of my window and I could read it on your face. You felt that same stomach gripping sickness that I felt. You probably heard the same voice begging for you to say it. I knew you wanted to say it. I wanted to say it too. I don't know why I didn't. You had just snuck over to dry my tears and comfort me in the dead of winter, but I still couldn't say it. I kicked myself for it the rest of the night. It didn't matter though because the next day we made up for it.

My mom had woken with a much improved mood. Whatever she had drank or taken the night before had worn off so I was relieved when she said you could come over. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie. I don't remember where my mom was, but I know she was gone because you were comfortable enough to pin me down on the couch and lay on top of me. That's when my babbling got the better of me.

I started asking you all these vague questions, but we both knew what we were talking about. I was trying to see if it was ok to say I love you yet because we hadn't been together that long. It felt so right to say it, but I was scared I would be wrong and break your heart. Luckily you read my mind and reassured me. It got quiet after that. We were both waiting to see who would crack first.

You did. You whispered it against my ear so quietly that I knew you thought I wouldn't hear. So I pretended not to. A few minutes later you whispered it again. This time I smiled up at you. "What did you say?"

Your face was red. "You didn't hear me?" I shook my head and leaned in.

"I love you." you repeated.

My stomach did backflips and I bit down on my lip. I was so excited that I forgot I should probably reciprocate the thought. By the time I remembered, the fear had sunk in again and I chickened out. You never pressured me though.

After that my mom returned and we went into my room. I don't remember how it happened, but I know you were being your usual dork self. I was laughing as you tackled me and asked me why I thought you were so funny. Despite my throat squeezing shut with nerves I forced it out. "Because I love you, you idiot."

You nuzzled into my shoulder. "I love you too." You whispered.

...

Out of all the things you and I have done together, these will probably stick with me the longest. I had always dreamed of living a love story worthy of a book and while we had our moments, I think our story is worthy of a novel. In fact, it's a classic coming of age story, and this is the part where I reflect on what I've learned.

I found a whole new version of myself when I met you. I became someone who I always was, but never got the chance to be. You let me be myself. You let me get angry and cry. You let me laugh until I couldn't breathe and be blatantly sarcastic. You gave me the love I had always craved. Over the last few years we have definitely fought and there have been times where I wasn't sure if I was right for you. But during all of that I would think back to the boy who kissed me in the rain and snuck to my window. That's the boy who fought to show me what love feels like. That's the boy who would walk me home and listen to me ramble about all of my stories.

You are the boy I will think about forever. You have set the bar high if there is any boy that follows you. I hope there isn't. You are my best friend and I want infinite more late night talks and kisses in the rain.

I wrote this because love is a novelty when you're young. I want us to remember that. I don't ever want to forget the butterflies you gave me or the notorious smirk that I hope you never lose. I wrote this because if you and I get married I want to still feel the same as I did when I was sixteen.

Love,

Your eighteen year old girlfriend.